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Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."

In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her.

Producers say the last season of 'Lost' will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for fans to endlessly debate around people who don't care at all.

In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead.

White House officials admit Obama's extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode.

An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.

Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.

Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.

Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers.

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.

Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.

Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.

In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.

Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.

From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.

Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.

Panelists discuss how p*********y warps children's minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing.

Government officials have not determined the source of the music or what it could portend, but they urge Americans to avoid deserted mansions, woods, and eerily quiet lake cabins.

White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.

Thanks to the NFL's Mentoring Program, the Lions got to spend a fun-filled day with the pros learning to catch, tackle.

In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

The CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for butt sex.

Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'

After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.

A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans dont do their own work.

8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur's sternum-stomping-by-hooves interrogation technique yielded valuable intelligence.

Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D.

Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.

Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.

In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the face of the earth.

'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.

The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself.

Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.

Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.

Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur.

On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson.

Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage